10 Lines that we will not hear from Mormans while in Utah

10. I’m addicted to porn.

9. Brother Jacob, thy third wife is pissing on my asparagus crop again.

8. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical, aquatic ceremony.

7. Brother Leroy, thy idea of celebrating Kwanzaa instead of the day of our lord of us latter-day saint-types is an excellent one.

6. Yes, bartender, I’ll have another screaming orgasm.

5. Donnie, get-eth off-eth thy sister Marie.

4. Brother Enos, I wish I could quit you.

3. Attention fellow Tabernacle Choir members, turn in your hymnal to #532: “Highway to Hell”, by brothers AC & DC.

2. Brother Cates, why don’t thy ride with me…of course thy do know we have never been the best of friends.

1. Taketh thy whole golden horseshoe philosophy and shoveth it up-eth your ass-eth.

More quotes

A few more lines . . .

"Scotty, I know we've never been the best of friends."
--Carl Cates

"My dad's as rich as s**t and I don't have to work if I don't want."
--T. Dan Greer

"Yep, yep."
--R. Salter

"I'm positive this guy's an idiot."
--Ray Farrell, keeping vote night comments positive

"Oh, that's easy."
--W. G. Hodges, prefacing every Trivial Pursuit question ever asked.

"There's good peer pressure, then there's bad peer pressure."
--Art Linkletter appearing on "On Campus", Gary McCaleb's gabfest

"Guys, you've got my balls in your hands."
--R. Salter

"Poor time management, sir."
--Bigs, quivering in fear before President Jones, explaining his lack of Nova visits.

"What's my opinion of Kingman's performance!? What the BLEEP do you think is my opinion of it? I think it was BLEEPING BLEEP."
--Tommy Lasorda on Kingman's performance

Top 10 Infamous Lines from ACU

10. "I promised Billy if he broke the world record (18' 5") that I'd go out with him...so I have to break our date." (Suzanne Levy -- after which Scotty finally got the hint.)

9. "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" (Joe Booth, on falling from the rafters in Moody Coliseum.)

8. "You are a homo-cocual" (Radar, repeated on most days, outside the Bean.)

7. “Oh sure, there will be plenty of snow.” (David Johnson and John Muns, Pre-Galaxy Ski-Trip 2001)

6. "...and rather than to create a scene, we moved..." (Woodrow Wilson, on his neighbors throwing trash in his yard.)

5. "The silence in sensitivity to tragedy." (Carl Cates "Who's Who" write-up)

4. “Yes, I am dating you exclusively Talisa…(long pause)...um, I mean Becky”. (Butch Hendrix, on his many indecisive college moments.)

3. “I think we should pledge Galaxy…because we will get better jobs when after graduations.” (Jim Agan, at the “Zeros” pre-pledge gathering in Smith-Adams.)

2. "I had boils as big as this watch." (Woodrow Wilson, on his comparisons between his and Job's lives)

1. "May your children be loud" (The Curse of Lu Lu Fulks)

dreaming about responsibility

Chic's deervalleydream is not far removed from the truth of the trip. Each skier will be issued a clothesline for their own personal use. Laundry takes about four months to dry in that weather but it saves energy, and after all, isn't that what we are all about? I think it is very important we concentrate on what is really important here...making sure that this is a carbon-neutral vacation! Not one new song has cracked the top ten worst songs since we were freshmen? We will update your list to keep you current in all things. Is everyone doing their lunges in preparation for our mountain adventure? Scotty, your calves are big enough to exempt you from this mandatory workout.

The idealism and optimism of the 80s

One day, everything was carefree and Flock of Seagulls.

And then, responsibility set in . . .

Dreaming

I had my first dream about the ski trip last nite.

Little of it resembled February in Utah. I mean, it was eerily surreal. I vaguely remember an interstate. Lots of concrete. Not a speck of snow. Which would explain why we were skateboarding instead of skiing. Scotty was drinking from a stein. Deer Valley looked like Potosi. There was a clothesline with that day’s laundry hanging on it between the “condos”. I seem to recall some Skynyrd blaring. And there were twins who both resembled a thinner pair of Craig Goodspeeds.

Is it too late to invite Scott Creighton to join us?

Topic #1 (to be debated at the Moody Cabin): "Worst Songs Ever Recorded"

10. Kung Fu Fighting (Carl Douglas)

9. Any Song Recorded by Abba (Abba)

8. Afternoon Delight (Starland Vocal Band)

7. Midnight at the Oasis (Maria Muldaur)

6. The Night Chicago Died (Purple Lace)

5. Having My Baby (Paul Anka)

4. I Am Woman (Helen Reddy)

3. Muskrat Love (Captain and Tenille -- originally recorded by America)

2. Billy Don't Be a Hero (Terry Donaldson and the Haywoods)

1. Seasons in the Sun (Terry Jacks)

AIRPORT WAIT

What a transition! Biggs goes from planning a 4 1/2 hour ski trip and then after well earned abuse ( calling him a weenie, asking if his husband ski's) he mans up and plans a real ski trip...and then what do we get? COMPLAINTS!! Over a ONE HOUR wait, no less. Well, I forgive you, and in the spirit of reconciliation, I would like to submit some ideas on how to best spend your spare moments at the airport>

1. Buy a new piece of luggage at the sundries shop and leave it unattended to see how many flights you can delay.

2. Sell chiclets to all the arriving passengers.

3. Pass out "Mormonism is a Cult" religious tracts.

4. Walk up to all the cute chicks and say, "Hi, I'm Bode Miller".

5. Hold the first annual "Chic Owens Latter Day Saints Ping Pong Tournament" in the Delta Medallion room.

I would go on, but I think these five should keep you busy enough. Got to go to Class!!!...Rollo out.

how to spend 60 minutes in slc

due to a most unfortunate scheduling, it seems greg, moses and i will have to wait ONE HOUR for dale and scottie and their so-called "jet" "blue" aircraft to land at the salt lake airport.

inconceivable!

so, how should we spend the one hour of waiting time in the airport?

1. engage in an open and frank discussion at how much we would bill for that hour. moses and i decide to go to law school.
2. rent skis from alamo.
3. sbarro.
4. attempt to navigate the rigorous liquor application process
5. collect calls to t dan greer
6. loud and exaggerated ski stretching exercises in baggage claim (a little something for the ladies . . . )

let us ski

this will be a smile.

may this blog allow for robust dialogue, professional counsel, exercise tips, witty repartee, and the occasional reference to lew fulks as we march toward the glorious arrival of february 1, the day of our deliverance onto a mountain in utah.

blog on, brethren.